


A Frayed LifeLine

by Verbophobic



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-12 01:59:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13537278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Verbophobic/pseuds/Verbophobic
Summary: Fili isn't the same after surviving Azog's attack at the battle of five armies. He think's he's putting on a good front so no one knows; but everyone is letting him /think/ he's hiding well when he's not. He wont talk to anyone and has gotten to the point where intervention might be necessary. But then a single Meow draws him back to the world and he's fighting for her. Because if he doesn't take care of her, who will?





	A Frayed LifeLine

“Meow.” Fili smiled as he paused in writing his report to look down at the little critter that had managed to find its way into Erebor over and over again until he gave up trying to help it out. Instead he smiled down at it and lifted it up before tearing a piece of his chicken leg off and passing it to the tiny cat. “Mmrrrrrowww~” THe pleased pur had the dwarf throwing his head back and laughing in a way he hadn't in days. Not since his uncle and assigned him the task of going through reports of old and learning about their past.

As the cat stood up and moved to the paperwork he sighed heavily. “Uncle says I must go through these, Ki. Something about how ‘those who can not remember the past, are condemned to repeat it.’ Or something along those lines.” Ki, as Fili had named the kitten sat on the papers and began to lick a paw then meowed once more and watched his full plate. “Ah yes, you are nearly dwarven with your adoration for food. Food which I would constantly forget about for myself too if not for you pestering me to feed you.” He picked at one of the three legs and once he had it all broken apart he bit into one of the full legs and held out piece after piece for the cat.

As he ate and fed her he began to feel better about his work rather than aggravated and the cat just kept talking before she seemed to settle down on his papers to purr loudly and begin to bathe herself. Fili watched for a while before she moved onto him. It was as she began to lick at his moustache that he figured she was right and he heaved a sigh and stood up. He closed the journal he wrote his reports in and picked the kitten up and set it on the floor where it let out a very displeased sound.

“Hush, Ki. I’m just neatening up so if uncle comes in to check on my progress he isn’t displeased by the mess.” As he picked up his plate he noted how empty it was and smiled to himself. “I must be going mad. A kitten has to remind me to take care of myself and has become my most trusted friend.” He set the journal at the forefront of the desk- a quick and easy find for his uncle- and then made his way to the kitchens with his platter. 

“Prince Fili?” The head chef sounded surprised to see him and it dawned on him just how empty the kitchens were. “Why are you not resting?”

He smiled at her and just cleaned his plate off before dropping it into the washing barrel. “I wished to return my dirty dishes and relax in a nice warm bath before bed.” She smiled at him and patted his head. The dwarf accepted the kindness from the woman and was headed out when he saw the kitten try to slink into the kitchens. “Oh no you don’t.” He grumbled and caught the orange and black tabby before she could get much further in. “Ingrid would break your scrawny little neck and toss you into a stew if you broke anything in there.”

The door closed securely and he let the cat go before moving on his way to the baths. He stripped and ginaced at the stench he could nearly taste from his clothes and was glad he had been motivated to come clean. Sitting in the tub filled with steaming water he relaxed for just a few moments before he pulled his legs up and with his elbows on his knees made an ‘ugly’ face as a sob racked through him. “How- how did I fall this much? When did it get so bad?” He whispered to himself as he fought against the urge to wail like a child, he just wanted it all to stop. For the world to take a deep breath and let him relax for a single day.

As he sat there he daren’t close his eyes least the nightmare that haunted his dreams plague the darkness beneath his lids. He worked and worked and worked, his excuse was that it was to please Thorin and prove he would be a great heir when the time came; but Fili could not lie to himself. He was letting himself go, the depression and fear that kept him awake at night was beginning to affect him during the days now. He found himself forgetting to eat, hiding away and burying himself under work that he pretended needed to be done when it was little more than an offhanded suggestion from his uncle, by Mahal’s beard he was not even feeling motivated enough to clean himself half the time!

He lied to everyone telling them he was fine, that Azog skewering him like he was a pig to be put upon a spit was nothing more than another victorious battle to boast about. But in reality every time he slept he relived the moment over and over; the feeling of the blade slicing through him as well as a dagger used on heated butter, the light airy feeling of being tossed over the edge hard impact of the ground breaking bone after bone and causing such agony he could barely grunt to his brother. He knew Kili still had nightmares of seeing his big brother in that condition- hitting the ground- and often was seen staring at Fili just to make sure Fili was still there.

Fingers dug into his scalp and he gasped as he struggled to keep himself from screaming while at the same time depriving himself of the necessary air to breathe. He couldn’t breathe- Mahal! He was suffocating! Had someone blocked off all airways to the room?! Was he trapped in here to die with nothing in his lungs but screams and sobs he would not allow himself? His face was soaked with the tears and he was growing paler and paler as he struggled and fought to gasp.

“Mrow?” A tiny furry head bumped into his and then the purring began and without thinking he took his hands from his hair to pick up the kitten and hug her close to his chest. She kept purring and nuzzling up under his chin and the water bothered her not. Well not enough to fight him at the moment. 

He rasped in a breath and she meowed at him again and a front paw began to bat at his mustache braid. Her purring would reve up then slow, rev then slow, rev slow, heavy breath out slow in, heavy out slow in, out in. He breathed in time with her purrs and his tight grasp on her tiny body lessened until he was just sitting there. Fili was naked in a tub hugging a cat and petting it, breathing in time with it’s purrs, while the bottom half of the cat was submerged and it’s head just kept nuzzling the part right under his chin and rubbing his neck. It could have been seconds or it could have been hours that they sat there soaking, purring, breathing. 

When Fili finally came back to himself he got out of the bath but refused to release the cat. He took a towel and wrapped her in it and made his way to his room in a daze still. The towel hung low enough to save him the barest amount of modesty but both Kili and Thorin- both of whom been drinking with many of the companions from The Company- saw Fili and watched in mute horror at the state of the blonde dwarf. “He is not well, Uncle.” Kili whispered. Fili had lost weight as could be seen now as he walked bare bottom through the sleeping halls of Erebor to his room hugging a towel, Thorin knew from reports from the kitchen his nephew often wasted plates filled with food, and Kili had watched Fili carefully for months now and saw the tremble that often took hold of Fili when he spaced out and remembered knocking on death’s door.

“I know, Kili. I just do not know what to do.” Fili disappeared and Kili chewed his bottom lip, tonight would be one of the nights the older prince would wake up shrieking in terror at the remembrance of his near fate. The brothers occupied a hall of Erebor that none else did because of Fili’s night terrors that just would not go away. There was rarely a night that the golden prince would not accidentally wake his brother with his screams.

“I should go, if he wakes up he will seek me out and want to make sure that I am alright.” Fili had dragged his near dead body to Kili upon hearing the fight and seeing his brother nearly stabbed through also. 

Kili woke in the morning with a start as his heart pounded with worry. It was morning! Had Fili’s screams not woken him- or had something happened to cause his brother not to scream? If so it must be something terrible and Fili might need him! Pulling on a loose pair of pants he ran across the hall and threw the door open. Luckily it didn’t hit the wall or make a sound because Fili was so deeply asleep his snoring drowned out the meow he saw come from the cat perched on his brothers face. 

The cat was curled up with it’s paws hidden and tail swishing lazily. It must be purring as it looked at him with half lidded eyes and whiskers curled forward. Kili just balked at the tiny animal he had never seen before and decided to try and make sure it didn’t smother or wake Fili from where it was. A tiny growl left it as he picked it up carefully and began to make his way back to the door. The snoring of his brother stopped and so did he as he waited least he wake up his brother. 

To his horror a moan escaped Fili and when he looked back a pained grimace contorted Fili’s face then the whimpers began. His body began to twitch as the nightmares began to come in. “No-” Kili’s voice sounded broken as he was afraid he’d have to watch his brother fight the ghoul in his sleep. “Ow!” He hissed lowly as the cat bit and clawed at him hard enough to draw blood before he dropped it. The cat swayed at it made its way back to Fili then onto the prince’s bead. 

“Mmmrrrroooowwwww!” Itcalled out and began to purr heavily as it resettled on Fili’s face and the twitching began to slow. It took a bit of time but the whimpers and moans stopped too and the Prince relaxed once more. The nightmares abated for now soft snores took over. 

“By Mahal’s beard,” Kili whispered and hurried to get closer, ignoring the growl that the cat gave him and instead he watched his brother closely. “You are why he is resting.” He gawped at the cat and looked it over fully now. The orange and black splotches of the cats fur stood out starkly against his pale brother and he saw the hatred the cat had for him in it’s glaring green eyes. He nearly flinched away for it was a glare not even Thorin would be able to withstand. But Kili would for the sake of his brother. Reaching out he pet it and scratched under its chin when it stopped glaring and relaxed, it’s purrs picking up a notch. “Thank you. I have not seen him sleep this well since… since before the quest.”

Kili raced away to go find his uncle, he had to alert Thorin to the cat’s importance and make sure nothing would happen to it. Somehow it was the cure for Fili and just what the young dwarf would need to continue on! 

After finding Fili and the cat sleeping Kili noticed the cat more often. In fact he was disturbed by the cat many times, it would yowl at him until he chased after it’s growling and hissing form. He would chase the cat often enough and find Fili in places his brother should not be with a look on his face that had him fretting more. But everytime Kili showed up Fili would seem to escape his daze and smile more often and follow Kili to wherever the younger felt like going. 

When Kili found Fili standing at the edge of one of the many walkways that were built over a deep dark chasm of nothing in the heart of Erabor, teetering back and forth like he was tempted to let his legs give out, Kili felt his blood chill. “Fili?” He called out and Fili who had teetered a bit too far forward scurried back and looked at his brother. 

“Kili?” Then they embraced and Fili began to cry. “I’m scared. Sometimes I just I want peace. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore or- or why. Azog’s attack should have killed me and- and I fear that his ghost will.”

As Kili held his brother tight, face pale as he looked down below at the deep fall that none would ever survive, he struggled to even think of something to say to help Fili feel like he had a reason, a purpose, for surviving. “Meow?” The cat wove between their legs and began to purr. 

“Your cat. Ingrid would use her for stew if you were not here to keep it safe. Or Brigard will crush it when he falls after one too many drinks least you aren’t there to call it over. What if Thorin finds it making a bed from his favorite coat again?! You would not be around to whisk it away before uncle came back!” Kili was grasping at hay here as he tried to make up a stupid reason for his brother. Anything at this point was what Kili reached for and Fili watched the cat walk off, getting nearly as close to the edge as he had been and peeking down. It’s tiny butt lifted and wiggled as it’s front crouched low and Fili spung to grab the cat before it could attempt to jump to a lower walkway.

“You are right, Kili! Without me this little rat will get into all kinds of trouble! She’s too precious to let that happen to!” Fili looked at his brother with panicked eyes and tried to think of a solution.

“Well I won’t be able to help it.” Kili pressed. “You know me and all the trouble I get into! You must make sure it doesn’t get hurt and I would only drag it into further dangerous situations.” Fili paled and Kili feared he’d gone too far in his desperation.

“I- I have to make sure it stays alive and fine. I can’t even think about leaving it behind without someone to watch it and- and there is no one but you that I would trust. I- If anything should happen to me would you take care of it? Or find it a home that would?” Fili hurried over and he knew he was being very out of character for himself, but he also knew he was sick. Not of body but of mind and right now he needed this.

“I would give up my pranking ways to take care of it, for you. But please do not do something that would make it that way. Promise me no more standing too close to edges or forges. No sitting in a tub and sliding down where I need to pull you out. Please, Fili, I don’t know what I would do without you.” Fili swallowed hard and pulled Kili into a hug with one arm while his other held the purring cat close.

“I promise, I will look after myself and the cat.” 

That was that for a while. The cat would meow and pester Fili for food, sleep on his work until he left to wash up, even yowl annoyingly until Fili went to bed so it could sleep on his face. Over a month Fili gained weight again, looked healthier with a clean and rested shine. Even sought out the cat when it went missing for hours where more often than not he’d find it in the armory. Kili even went so far as to hide the cat in the training rooms where it began to understand, here was where Fili would relax and train. He began to gain muscle and strength again. 

And then the cave in happened. 

No one knew how it happened but they all knew the cat knew first something was about to happen. FIli was on his way to the armory, wanting to get sharpening stones and work on his dull blades, when the cat began to growl and hiss at him, even swiping to try and get him to stop. It worked in the end. Fili along with several others wouldn’t pass the frantic cat. Fili wouldn’t let them because it upset the cat and he tried to get her to move without being clawed.

Then the mountain shook and the dwarves in the tunnel stumbled and fell. Fili watched the cat scramble for purchase as it tried and failed to run away, he saw the cieling crumbling, and felt the hands on him keeping him from diving to the cat that had possibly just saved him and many other dwarven lives. When the dust settled the rocks blocked the path. Thorin and Kili found Filli with bloody hands as he tried to pull the boulders away on his own. 

“Kili- I can’t hear her anymore. Ki was- I heard her for a while but- but now-” Dwarves worked hard under Thorin’s orders to dig out the cat but it wasn’t to be found. 

Days seemed to pass in a haze with FIli not leaving his room, still in shock over the loss of the cat. A loud knocking on his door drew Fili’s attention and Thorins booming voice asked for entrance, he had something for his nephew. Struggling to his feet he stumbled along his way to the door. “Go away, Uncle. Please. I- I- I don’t- I can’t-” Words were gone and he knew he had changed. He wasn’t Fili anymore. He was depressed and sad, he couldn’t sleep again and found himself drowning in nothing. “I needed her, uncle.” He rasped and felt his eyes tear up as he bared his teeth trying to fight tears that he only allowed her to see, to lick up and purr to him over. “I was lost, drowning, Azog had won. But she- she beat him back. Clawed him away and now- now he’s coming back. He’s going to win Uncle and I don’t know how to do this without her.”

“Then don’t.” Thorin said almost softly and a weak meow rang out.

The door was thrown open and Thorin stumbled back as Fili scrambled out, tearing at Thorin’s coat to find the scrawny shivering kitten within. “Ki?” He asked and the cat lifted it’s head to mewl lowly and he ever so carefully pulled her out of the coat with his bandaged hands. Her purring had a terrible hitch to it and he knew she struggled to breathe but was still alive.

“She needs someone to care for her, help her heal.” Thorin offered up. “But you do not seem well enough yourself.” He looked into the room and hummed. “The mess is dangerous and she may end up sicker in here with the stench. Frequent trips to the kitchens to feth food for her which you haven’t done for yourself-”

“No! Uncle! I- I got this. She needs me! Not you not Kili, me.” Fili held her close but with the gentlest of hands. Thorin kept his face schooled and he hummed before nodding. Fili set the cat on his pillow and began to fix up his destroyed room. Feeling that Fili could handle himself for a few hours alone he left to find Kili. 

Upon finding the cat bleeding all over his favorite coat Thoring had patched her up himself, setting and bandaging her broken paw and making sure that the rasping sound was nothing more than a cracked rib or two and not a punctured lung. Once she was struggling to meow at him he was smiling and carefully bringing her to Fili. Kili would have wished to know the lifeline his brother had clung to was alive but it seemed more prudent to get the lifeline to the older of the two nephews. 

“Is it true, uncle? Ki is alive?” Kili found Thorin quickly enough and upon explaining what condition the cat was in they went to Fili only to find his room clean but vacant. Searching through the mountain they ended up in the washroom where Fili’s voice thrummed out of. He was singing an old dwarven hymm and as the two entered saw him soaking with the cat sleeping next to the inground tub. Her purring kept pace with the singing as Fili washed but daren't take his eyes off her.

Thorin and Kili both shed their clothes too and joining in the hymm joined Fili in the bath, cleansing themselves then helping the prince with his hair. It wasn’t odd for dwarves of one family to share a communal bath and help cleanse one another, but it was odd that there was a cat watching them out of one eye and her purring catching here and there as if trying to not laugh.

“Uncle,” Fili said once he was clean with new braids and a smile as he watched the sleeping cat, his fingers carefully petting her, “I think she’s my One.” Thorin was helping Kili do his braids and they both looked at the golden haired dwarf. It wasn’t possible a cat could be someone’s One, but neither would dare say anything because for the first time since Azog Fili looked himself. Truly and fully looked himself. He was smiling at the purring cat, dragging his fingers across it’s back, and humming lowly as he used to oft do. Not even the small respite between having the cat and losing it to the cave in ahd they found Fili singing or humming old songs as he used to love to do.

“Then we must never lose her.” Thorin was only saying what he felt his nephew needed to ehar, because if they were to lose the cat they would lose Fili who had latched on like a leach to the tiny fragile thing and like a line thrown to a drowning man he desperately tried to hang on and not slip for the sake of the cat.

.~:*:~.

Beorn sighed heavily as he sat in his favorite chair at home and pulled out a picture. It had been drawn long ago and he smiles sadly at it. He stood with a woman to his right and in his arms a tiny fragile kitten. He as hairy as ever and his wife with cat ears atop her head, one high the other twitched down embarrassed as she looked away. The kitten in his arms while not colored in looked black and white but he would never forget the orange of a dying sun that colored her fur and the grass green eyes she shared with her mother.

“I wish I knew of your fate, my little Amber.” He whispered and ran a finger over the kitten named after a precious stone that had been her coloring at birth.

**Author's Note:**

> Recently I've been struggling myself with my depression and drowning in life. I know that this will feel OOC for Fili but he went through a lot with nearly dying and anyone that suffers as he had would be different. He's fighting for himself but it's a loosing battle. I can't fight my own battle anymore and if not for those around me I would have given up. At one point my single lifeline was my dog who I stayed strong for, because if I was gone no one would take him. I had to stay, at least until he left. I wanted to portray this for Fili.   
> .  
> He's fighting drowning on nothing and the cat is his one lifeline, the one thing he's managed to grasp and even though his family is there wanting to help, they cant because this is one battle they cant join. Fili is no longer fighting to live for himself but to take care of the animal that depends on him (or so he thinks) and that is his reason.  
> .  
> And who knows, maybe he really did find his One~


End file.
